Disciplining your children is hard. There are so many ways to do it. So many different opinions. So many different strategies. And then when you think you’ve figured it out, your kids get older, you have another one, a new study comes out, and it makes you question everything all over again.
Our son, Miles, is a year and a half. He definitely understands the word “no.” But doesn’t always abide by it. I want to discipline him while he’s younger and we’re dealing with the dirt in my plants and throwing food off the high chair, compared with starting discipline when he’s older for things that can be much more life altering – i.e. smoking, driving irresponsibly, hanging with the wrong crowd. I want him to love me (obv) but also to respect and obey me when I tell him to do something.
I’m not a psychologist or a behavior therapist, just a mom trying to figure it out. And I want to take you on my journey with me. I’m using the Bible as my main source of guidance.
This verse is lengthy but very impactful in regard to discipline.
Hebrews 12:5-13
And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?
“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.”
It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them.
Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness.
For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed.
….
So the Lord disciplines us because he loves us. And we should discipline our children because we love them. Disciplining our children isn’t easy or fun, but it’s necessary. We (speaking to myself here) need to get over the fact that it’s hard, we don’t always feel like it, or we feel bad saying “no”. It’s GOOD for them. A need. To train them up in the way they should go. It’s not too young to start guiding them.
Types of Discipline
Two obvious opposing views on discipline are to spank or not to spank. So here are thoughts on both.
First, a few verses that (to me) clearly support spanking.
Proverbs 13:24 – Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.
Proverbs 23:13-15 – Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol. My son, if your heart is wise, my heart too will be glad.
Proverbs 22:15 – Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.
However some people interpret the rod differently than an actual rod. They view it as loving correction or guidance (Chosen Care). You can read more about this view here if you’re interested in more details.
The Bible never specifically says the word “spank” or refers to spanking children, which many believe is an argument that we shouldn’t do it. However, there are other things the Bible doesn’t specifically say, but we believe as Christians i.e. the Trinity, the omniscience of God, incarnation. (So it doesn’t feel like a super valid argument to me).
Whether you spank or use another form of discipline, the goal is not to exasperate your children. Colossians 3:21 says, ”Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”
If you are going to spank, there are some guidelines I have found in my research I think will be super beneficial to you (these are what we are going to try and abide by). Focus on the Family has been a great source for me in my research on Biblical discipline. (Focus on the Family)
1. The Rod is Meant to Comfort
Psalm 23:4b says “your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” The rod, mentioned so many times for discipline, is ultimately supposed to offer comfort. As a shepherd to your children, you are guiding and protecting your children, which should offer comfort!! “Rarely, a shepherd needs to use his rod to correct or protect his sheep. It’s not punishment out of anger, but rather a protective mechanism to keep the sheep from danger. It’s correction out of concern and love.” (Focus on the Family) I had to quote this whole paragraph because I feel like it’s an excellent representation of how I want to view disciplining our children.
2. Last Resort
Spanking is a big deal and shouldn’t be taken or done lightly. I want to take every measure I can BEFORE resulting to a spank. I want to make sure what they did was actually worth spanking – i.e. put them in danger, repeatedly and intentionally disobeying, etc.
3. Attitude Check
Whenever me or my husband spank our children we do not want to do it in anger. Since spanking is ultimately to guide and comfort your child, it cannot be done out of anger. If I am upset, I don’t plan to spank them right away. You can send them to their rooms, wait until dad gets home, pray, etc. etc. It’s okay to delay spanking until you’re ready. After we spank, we want to hug our kids, tell them we love them, and make sure they understand why we spanked them.
4. Each Child is Individual
Some kids may respond well to spanks and listen right away, however others won’t! It might make them more angry or more rebellious and honestly do no good. It can take a while to figure out how each child responds to discipline (I’m reminding myself here), and that’s okay. Spanking isn’t necessarily the end all be all.
5. When to Spank
Focus on the Family recommends spanking between the ages of 18 months to 6 or 7 years. Any older may be harmful to them and your relationship with them. They also recommend spanking privately verses in public, if possible. There’s no need to embarrass them in front of others, that may cause a whole new set of issues. (Focus on the Family)
Final Thoughts
I don’t want to make this all about spanking, rather the importance of disciplining your children, because it’s biblical. Here are a couple more verses about the positives of disciplining your children!
Proverbs 22:6 – Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 19:18 – Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death.
Proverbs 12:1 – Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid.
Proverbs 29:17 – Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.
That’s all!! My son is only 18 months and our next is on the way, so we’re honestly just getting started. These are my current thoughts and motivations, but I’m obviously not going to be perfect. I pray for guidance and confidence in the area of discipline. It is definitely an area I will constantly be learning and growing in. Ultimately we want to honor Jesus and raise our children to love Him.
I would LOVE to hear your thoughts on discipline!! What techniques have you found work really well? Do you spank? Have you changed your mind about certain things as you’ve had more children? I hope these verses encourage and motivate you in your disciplining journey!
More posts you’ll love:
How To Have A Thriving Marriage After Baby
5 Things You Must Know Your First Year Of Motherhood
8 Secrets To Become The Hostess With The Mostest
Sources:
Leave a Reply